Music Lost in Thought

tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

I’d most like to go back to the Republic of Georgia and visit all my former students and friends there! <3 I miss them so!

So when you read a fanfic you know it’s fiction. You know it’s not real. That’s not to say that there are no fics based on the author, or someone else’s real life. The author will sometimes let you know if it’s based on real life, sometimes they won’t.  I’m guilty of it myself with my newest fic. Just a little bit me thinks. I’m not sure how much of my life will make it in. But the home situation? Definitely. Poor guy. I feel bad for Blaine already.

Point is, when they have such dark themes there are often trigger warnings. That’s helpful and I intend to get there myself when I post those chapters. But that doesn’t ACTUALLY ya know…stop it…I mean it can. It gives you a heads up but you’ll still remember. Least I did…I could picture myself in their situations, in Blaine’s in particular in this person’s fic. I could feel it…I could feel myself. I remembered what it’s like to be in that dark place. To feel like you’ll never come out. To think that’s the only way out…because right then? It is. I’m not saying that it’s the truth. But as far as your mind can wrap around. That’s the only way out.

I do NOT condone those behaviors. I AM here if others need to talk though. That’s why I’m putting this at the bottom of most every chapter - It Gets Better. Years ago if you asked me if I would even be alive at this point I’d say HELL no. But here I am. I survived. I am proud to say I haven’t done anything since April 1, 2006. That’s 6 years, 1 month, 2 weeks and 2 days…I count constantly. It never really goes away either. That’s something they don’t tell you when they’re encouraging you to talk. When they say you’ll get ‘better’. Is it really better I have to wonder when it sticks with you? I guess ago. I mean it’s not dishonest ya know?  People do get BETTER but they don’t forget…

I live with it daily. I still think about it. I still have to remind myself just how many days it’s been since I last acted upon these thoughts….that’s sometimes all that keeps me thought. What harm would one little cut do?  I mean…it’s just one? But then you remember that one will lead to another…and another…and another. If you start, who’s to tell you to stop? ha…Yourself. that’s the most important thing. YOU need to stop yourself. You need to motivate yourself…If it takes other people, that’s O K. In the beginning I had to rely on someone else too. I had to rely on others. But in time you need to know that, even when it’s hard, you’ve got to be able to count on yourself.

Recently I’ve figured out that in order to have someone love me, I need to love myself. It’s hard as hell to do that in practice. I’ve told myself that before. But it never stuck, ya know? But it has now…At least I hope. I can’t say I don’t get depressed still either. Less sorta. My circumstances are similar back to what they were at the peak of my depression but I’m alive. I survive however I can. I look for things to keep my hands busy to this day to prevent me from going there…I type. I read but need to click to keep reading. Or I read and I hold the book, or ereader. I watch TV but don’t take the remote out of my hands…I’ll do what I have to do.

Find an outlet. Find something that lets you express yourself, gives you that control you crave. Find something that makes sense out of the stuff that didn’t before. Read. Write. Draw. Sing. Dance. Whatever it is you do, do it. Find that thing, find that safe place and go to it. Don’t ever give up.

Message me anytime you want. I’m open to it. I don’t know how to make sure I have an ask box as some people do. Maybe some of you more tumblr savvy people can help me with that. But I want you to know it’s open. I’m here for you. I’m here to talk. You don’t have to give me a name. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want but I want you to know I’m here. I’ve been there and I survived. We are survivors. We are not the victims anymore. We can make it.

You Are Not Alone.

DepressionHotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-439–4253

Reblogging because you know, someone out there could use one of these.

(Source: decapitation)

Greetings, Merry Meet all. I figured it would be a new venue for my thoughts and writings. I haven’t written original works or poetry in too long. I need to try that again. This will be randomness in written form. It will not always be writing. It will not always be songs. It will be whatever is on my mind, hopefully writing too. =) I look forward to meeting new friends here and reading interesting things.

Until we meet again.

~ <3 ~